The highest compliment I can give to a company that makes protein bars is to flat out call them liars. For example, on a recent road trip down 95 along the East Coast, I found myself touching down for a midnight driving break at the John Fenwick Rest Stop to satisfy a munchie mood. Perusing the ample supplement section for something new to write about, I spotted a bright orange wrapper screaming “Pick me, pick me!” I picked up the bar labeled Supreme Protein Carb Conscious and flipped it over to inspect its nutritional value: Whoa! 30 grams of protein, a whopping 16 grams of fat, and only 4 grams of sugar? Yeah right!
As I took it with my Code Red Mountain Dew (hey, caffeine + loads of sugar = alert driving!) to the cash register, I took another look at the front: Quadruple Layer! I was so excited I nearly took a bite without unwrapping it. I got back to my Bentley (okay, Murano) and opened it up. In the darkness of my car, I bit into the chocolate coating, felt my teeth sink into and then beyond the second layer of nuts, pass into the exoskeleton of caramel, before reaching the protein core. But instead of saying, “Yummy” or “Wow!”, I shouted, “Bullshit!” How in God’s name can a company claim that a bar as sweet and gooey and scrumptious as this has 30 grams of protein hidden inside? Or even more preposterously, only 4 grams of simple carbs?? Who do they think they’re fooling? Okay, so I don’t really look like I work out, but do I really look that naïve?
I took another few bites and put the bar down somewhere between the gear shift and the change bucket. Perhaps my road-weariness and hunger had turned me into some sort of hallucinogenic nomad wandering through the desert, so feverishly and desperately looking for water that he not only imagines that the sand he’s eating is water, but smiles on the verge of death’s door, happily basking in the sun as his sand-filled stomach offers him satisfying relief. In my state, I decided to leave half of the bar for later consumption.
The bar sat in an open plastic bag on my parents’ granite kitchen countertop for the next four days, without any protection from the elements (or cat hair). At one point my mother took a peek inside the bag and pulled out something labeled “Beyond Ripped”. Reading the label aloud, she simply laughed and pointed at my belly. Ahhh, self-esteem is a wonderful thing. On the fifth day, I took pity on the remnants of Mr. Supreme Protein and took a fresh bite. What the f*ck!?!? Those goddamn liars did it again!! It actually tasted better after five days at room temperature! This wasn’t a protein bar – it was a mad scientist’s experiment with some futuristic food substances that surely required the services of a 1985 DeLorean and magical clocktower to obtain. Unfair? Yes. Delicious? Absolutely. Liars? Hmmmm….
Rating: SUPREME (Liars?) ***** (Five Stars) out of ***** (Five)
Amended Comment: The quality of these bars has gone WAYYYYYYY down since this original review was published. Expect a new review right here soon!
