Fat Women Cruelly Judge Gorgeous New Mother
In a story eerily reminiscent of their prior verbal bullying of Maria Kang — the watercooler mom with the six-pack abs — the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People (NAAFP) has focused their sights upon yet another proud mother in choosing to attack new mom Caroline Berg Eriksen. In relinquishing their attack upon Maria Kang, NAAFP Executive Director Beth Macbeth announced that ‘We are no longer interested in attacking an ordinary fit mom like Miss Kang, when there are hotter, more fit and more famous moms we can attack.” Berg-Eriksen is the wife of pro soccer player Lars Kristian Eriksen and by even the toughest standards as measured on the EU-accepted Montana Scale rates as a 9.25, while Beckett’s Monthly grades her out as a 9.4 in Gem Mint Condition.
In her court appearance yesterday before the 2nd Circuit Training, Eriksen pled ‘Not Guilty’ to charges of Attention Whoring in the 3rd Degree, Attempted Inferiority Complexing, and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Eating Distress. Outside the courthouse, Eriksen was besieged by requests from High Cholesterol Rights Groups to remove her Instagram photos for the sake of improving the self-esteem of Oprah fans across the country. Reporters followed her to New York hotspot Liquiteria, where Eriksen indulged in a double shot of wheat grass before removing a kitchen scale from her satchel and weighing herself at 925 ounces.
After smiling proudly for the paparazzi, Eriksen was about to address reports of a rumored endorsement with Rickshaw Rice Cakes when she was brutally assaulted by an Afro-American woman who snuck up behind her and proceeded to shove a marshmallow cookie in her mouth. In what Fox News is calling the ‘Mallomar Game’, big beautiful black women select random skinny white bitches and launch a vicious caloric assault on them. For his part, CNN’s Anderson Cooper is accusing Eriksen of provoking the attack for being straight, white and beautiful.
Eriksen was treated for her injuries and released from the Promises Equinox Addiction Treatment Center after 45 minutes on the treadmill at 3.6 mph on a 5.5 incline. For his part, Mr. Eriksen has chosen to remain silent, which only makes him an accomplice in the eyes of the NAAFP. Said Macbeth: “For a man to spend nine months next to his wife every night, and not stuff her face with Magnolia cupcakes, Fritos and Ben and Jerry’s Phish Flavor Ice Cream is tantamount to spousal abuse. Study after study from the Mount Holyoke School of Lesbian Dominance shows that skinny women are seventeen times more likely to be victims of domestic violence. We hereby call upon obese Mexicans everywhere to boycott soccer and churros until Hans Kristian Andersen is officially removed from the FIFA Federation.”
Since this story broke, Eriksen has retreated to her 14,000 square foot high-rise apartment where a photographer for the New York Post recently snapped controversial photos of her doing sit-ups hanging upside down by her ankles from the balcony while nursing her newborn. Her publicist later clarified that those were, in fact, ‘Reburpees’ and that breastfeeding is actually healthier when performed in an inverted manner. The NAAFP, however, disagrees, and adamantly opposes all forms of breast-feeding, which they claim is an act of bullying, which intimidates mothers who prefer to feed their newborns Chinese-manufactured formula containing dyes, toxins, trace elements and other rare metals that the NAAFP claim are ‘vital to prepare babies for the onslaught of dyes, toxins, trace elements and other rare metals found in life-saving vaccines.’
With the lines being drawn in the proverbial sand, it appears that only the United Nations can forge an agreement between the narcissists who love themselves and the fascists who hate everyone better than themselves. One can only hope that the upcoming E3 Conference in Las Vegas can help the two sides mend fences and find the middle ground between obtuse delusions of grandeur and the obese derision of glamour.