Author Topic: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...  (Read 12955 times)

Blockhead

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Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« on: May 01, 2013, 12:52:13 PM »
 Written by XFitSpin and co-authored by Blockhead...



 
7:30am - Wake up and check your facebook. Wonder why that Crossfitter guy you’re stalking hasn’t commented on the new video you posted of your clean and jerk PR. Maybe he is a clean & JERK himself. Bet to yourself it's all your fault. It was your form on those pulls. Maybe he didn't like your form. Maybe he notices that little wannabee Crossfit bitch from your gym. Make mental note to stop and pick up a bearclaw with that double espresso caramel latte this morning.


8:00am - Rush to the bathroom because the MHP Dopamite just kicked in. Check your abs in the mirror since technically you're about 3lbs lighter with a flatter stomach now. Put on your lululemon sports bra and upload a photo to instagram. Caption it: “who says you can’t get lean eating fat ladies!” #crossfitgirls #teampaleo #abs #wod #highfat #fitness #2013#bring it#kicking ass


8:30am - Go to the kitchen and make coffee. Add 2 tbsp of coconut milk. Just keep telling yourself how much you love sour coffee. Repeat the phrase, “No diary inflammation for this crossfit girl, Nu uh!”  Now post it on facebook and display to the world you now have coconut milk in your diet. It's no holds barred for you and everyone needs to know shit just got real. Literally.


8:35am - Slam 6 fish oil caplets. Wonder why you taste cod everytime you burp. 


9:46am - Walk into work. Roll your eyes at people who snicker at the size of your lunch box. If you could just get them all to read The Paleo Solution you could probably save their life or at least make their fat asses attractive again to their bored lonely spouses at home. Think to yourself how great it is to be so superior to all of these trilobytes in their cubicles. Bet they are all constipated. Wonder how many of them are on blood thinners and blood pressure medication.


10:03am - Check the WOD. 


12:00pm - Warm up your 4 day old chicken breast and wolf down 2 avacados. Spend the rest of your lunch break adjusting the colors on the Reebok Nanos saying to yourself, “I wish I had a different pair of nanos for every day of the week.” Post that on facebook. It would be horrible to believe the world wouldn't care about your Reeboks since you're so awesome and famous.


3:08pm - Go to PaleOMG.com and look for a new dessert recipe.  Comment under her Blueberry Chocolate chip bread pudding recipe, “Girl crush Juli, girl crush!” 


3:12pm - Sneak away out to your car and eat a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Justify it by popping some MHP Dren later. Text your clenbuterol hook-up and ask him if he got those 100 tabs you gave him the $80 for 7 weeks ago.


4:58pm - Show up at your box. Kristy is there. Ugh! She always accuses you of miscounting your reps. You say “Hi Kristy! I’m so tired today. I think I’m going to take it easy.”  Bet to yourself how easy it would be to take her man anyway.


5:39pm - The WOD is over. You beat Christy by over a minute. Smile and say, “you did so amazing!” Go out to your car and do fist pumps. Post a picture of yourself in your car on facebook doing your best Dana Bin Laden duck face. Flag Nor Fail, bitches!


5:55pm - Mix up your Progenex Recovery shake. Wonder why you’re still so sore and you aren’t making gains. Wonder how Miranda Oldroyd does it. Make a mental note to google it. “Miranda Oldroyd training.”  Bet to yourself Miranda is shooting that anavar helios stuff or whatever it is into her ass.


6:00pm - Update your facebook status: “73 more days until the Open! Let’s do this! I’m a proud Crossfitter. Strong is the new Skinny, strong is the new skinny!!!”


6:15pm - Log on to crossfitgames.com and start comparing your times to games athletes. You start feeling depressed and head to the freezer for your coconut milk ice cream. It's okay. Your clen should be arriving soon.


7:00pm - Check the tracking number on your progenex order. Wonder if they’ll send one of those T-shirts. Wonder if all the stuff you read about Progenex from Anthony Roberts is true. 


7:30pm - Surf the internet for 2 hours looking envying games athletes as you wolf down half a jar of almond butter. Stumble across Muscleweek.com . Wonder why the people who post there are such haters! Bet to yourself that they are just jealous losers who can't even do 50 burpee's in under 3 minutes.


9:30pm - Slam a Progenex Cocoon shake with water and grab your pillow saying, “someday I’m going to look just like Christmas Abbot. I wonder why she never responds to my encouraging words on instagram?” Remind yourself to fill your bottle of Lexapro this week. Wonder if Lexapro is hindering your gains. Remind yourself to research the effects of SSRI's and that anavar helios thingy stuff. It can't be all that bad.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2013, 01:02:12 PM by XfitSpin »
...because sometimes NOT being a bodybuilder means doing the right thing.

XfitSpin

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douche...
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2013, 01:00:31 PM »
lol, oh that's fucking terrible.

candy_pills_$100bills

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douche...
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2013, 11:10:12 PM »
so pissed you blew me off!!!! you got me rolling

KnightXavi

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2013, 01:07:16 AM »
Who's Christmas Abbot?
"Seriously I like you Knight, but posting that pic of the gruesome twosome should be a more banable offense than when that other guy posted a male cock pic." - Mike Hunt aka Andrew

KnightXavi

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2013, 01:13:55 AM »
Who's Christmas Abbot?


Oh shitt!! Nevermind. 






Nice shape, but the tats make her look gross. 
"Seriously I like you Knight, but posting that pic of the gruesome twosome should be a more banable offense than when that other guy posted a male cock pic." - Mike Hunt aka Andrew

Ikaloup

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2013, 11:27:27 PM »
I can't believe I haven't read this before.  Amazing!  Some of your finest work.

Burpess and avocados FTW!

Sargeant Pain

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2013, 12:07:10 PM »
Holy crap that was funny!!!...."Strong is the new Skinny"....f'n hilarious stuff!Well done!

XfitSpin

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2013, 09:52:03 PM »
Thank you. Thank you. I was thinking about expanding. Look for another post soon.

Mike Hunt

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Re: Day In The Life of a Crossfit Douchette...
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2014, 02:28:30 PM »
Props xfit, this is good, block mentored you well
Sex Nuts and Retard Strong